Great expectations

…Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her…

First of all, Merry Christmas! Hope everyone out there are able to enjoy themselves, your friends, family, and this time of year, and are able to put any depressive or anxious thoughts behind them; I know it can be difficult. Am staying with family in the UK – the first time in years because of my life in Brazil. It is nice to be with them, though it is hard to stop thinking about the girl I have been seeing back home.

In Brazil they celebrate Christmas more on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day itself. I sent over a WhatsApp voice message just to wish her all the best for the day, specifically within the context of our relationship and things personal to us. Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her which look almost standard copy and paste; what you would send to somebody you might like but with hardly any real intimacy—in spite of us being pretty intimate when we’re together and having been seeing each other for a good three-four months.

Again, it’s that same old story of me reading them and then starting to over-think everything. Maybe my expectations for a reply were too high. Maybe it is just a case of me liking her more than she likes me; which is what my mind is convinced about at the moment, and that really cuts me. Though of course there could be plenty of other reasons – she said the other day that she is travelling to be with family at a place in the country, and she is very family-orientated. Maybe she’s just been really busy with all the family parties and didn’t have time to write/say much. So many possibilities and no way of knowing what’s right or not.

Maybe I just shouldn’t be in a relationship. When we are together, it is great, but away from each other like this has such a negative effect on me. The time over here means that we will not have seen each other for at least three weeks, maybe four, by the time we meet again. One and a half weeks have gone by since we were last together, and the days have gone by very slowly. And it’s hard. Especially this time of year.

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