Great expectations

…Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her…

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First of all, Merry Christmas! Hope everyone out there are able to enjoy themselves, your friends, family, and this time of year, and are able to put any depressive or anxious thoughts behind them; I know it can be difficult. Am staying with family in the UK – the first time in years because of my life in Brazil. It is nice to be with them, though it is hard to stop thinking about the girl I have been seeing back home.

In Brazil they celebrate Christmas more on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day itself. I sent over a WhatsApp voice message just to wish her all the best for the day, specifically within the context of our relationship and things personal to us. Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her which look almost standard copy and paste; what you would send to somebody you might like but with hardly any real intimacy—in spite of us being pretty intimate when we’re together and having been seeing each other for a good three-four months.

Again, it’s that same old story of me reading them and then starting to over-think everything. Maybe my expectations for a reply were too high. Maybe it is just a case of me liking her more than she likes me; which is what my mind is convinced about at the moment, and that really cuts me. Though of course there could be plenty of other reasons – she said the other day that she is travelling to be with family at a place in the country, and she is very family-orientated. Maybe she’s just been really busy with all the family parties and didn’t have time to write/say much. So many possibilities and no way of knowing what’s right or not.

Maybe I just shouldn’t be in a relationship. When we are together, it is great, but away from each other like this has such a negative effect on me. The time over here means that we will not have seen each other for at least three weeks, maybe four, by the time we meet again. One and a half weeks have gone by since we were last together, and the days have gone by very slowly. And it’s hard. Especially this time of year.

Controlling anxiety

I have found these last couple of days that switching my mobile phone in flight mode and forcing myself not to look at it helps me stop thinking about things, and stop my mind going round in circles. It has helped that I have had things to do on my vacation, like going out for a day trip with family and going for long walks. Occasionally when not on vacation, I leave my phone at the office when I go for lunch, or something else, so I am simply unable to look at it and so am forced to think more about other things.

…Sent a message to her last night before went to bed; she saw, but no reply either last night or this morning… I know… I KNOW…there are plenty of good reasons for this… but my head being my head starts to think negatively and irrationally, thinking the worst… what if she just doesn’t want to be with me?

Miserable day here today so not too much to do, and while I have just put the phone in flight mode again, it is difficult not to pick it up to check. Curious to know what other people do to help relax a little…??

Relaxing a little

…And it worked. It was good being able to breathe, relax, and not get short of breath or feel my mind starting to go round in circles again…

It was a nice day today. I was able to completely distract my mind from the anxieties of the past few weeks and just enjoy being back in London. It took my mobile phone having no signal, and me deciding to just switch it to flight mode anyway, to help set me on my way with this. Plus also an exhibition at a museum that I hadn’t been to in years meant that my mind was occupied with other things…

While the thoughts of the preceding days did occasionally come into my mind, I found myself able to knock them aside and stop them from spiralling. Just concentrate on the exhibition and tell myself that there was nothing I could do, so no need to think about things. And it worked. It was good being able to breathe, relax, and not get short of breath or feel my mind starting to go round in circles again.

When I left the museum and switched my phone back into normal mode at around 2pm, the girl I’ve been seeing had indeed left a couple of WhatsApp messages. It was nice to hear her voice again and it certainly helped as the day progressed. Otherwise I could(/would) have just kept thinking about her and why she might not have replied to me the entire time; always wanting to look at the phone in case she sent a message. (Like I am starting to do as I type as I just sent a message that hasn’t been received yet… of course, plenty of rational and good reasons that could explain it, but so difficult to keep my head rational and not thinking negatively.) Thankfully this wasn’t the case during the day and I was actually able to enjoy myself for once.

With that, I was able to just walk along the River Thames, from Greenwich to London Bridge; one of my favourite walks in any city. Just enjoying a cool, fresh and calm winter’s afternoon and the sights of the riverside walkway. It was nice as well–none of those thoughts of disappearing came into my head as I looked into the water.

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Anxious days…

That night though as we were in bed together, I asked her about how serious we are… such a stupid question. The girlfriend question….

It has been a tough couple of weeks. Am travelling now and will be away from Brazil for three weeks over Christmas. I wish I could say that it is letting me relax a little, but my head doesn’t let me do that too much.

I started seeing a girl about three months or so ago. We hit it off straight away, and I have to say that I am crazy about her. First girl since my ex-wife that I have actually really liked. So much so, I stopped sleeping around with others–not because we’re “girlfriend and boyfriend”, whatever that means anyway–far from it. Rather because I just don’t want to sleep with others. I would much rather just be with her.

At the same time it’s strange. She’s very busy at work, and doesn’t reply to my messages so frequently; maybe once or twice a day. Sent her a message last night (Sunday) which she heard last night but didn’t reply to, and it’s morning now. I don’t bombard her with messages, and certainly don’t ask why she hasn’t replied–there could be any number of reasons. But my head often starts wondering down that track of asking itself why isn’t she replying? Did I say something? Does she like me as much as I like her? Wouldn’t it be nice if she actually replied a little sooner?

A week and a half ago, she had an event outside of the city for the weekend and went a good couple of days with no messages… I got myself pretty worked up, with my head going round in circles, imagining the worst about what might be happening at that event. It was difficult to stop myself crying sometimes as dark thoughts of general hopelessness entered into my head.

But when she got back, we saw each other again at the office’s party, the night before I travelled. Which was great…

That night though as we were in bed together, I asked her about how serious we are… such a stupid question. The girlfriend question. She got upset, thinking that I wanted every moment with her (she got out of a very long term relationship a bit ago)… which is again, far from the case. She said that she didn’t think she was good for me. Which hurt as I love every minute with her. For me, I want her as my “girlfriend”, but want her to have her space, and me to have my own; for her to go out with her friends and vice-versa; see each other on weekends if possible. For me it just means neither of us cheating on the other, and a bit of commitment. When I said that, she seemed to be better, which was nice, though it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth as the last thing I wanted on our last night before I travelled was for her to get upset.

So now I am here; away from her; wishing I could be with her. Waiting for a reply and trying not to keep looking at my phone to see if that reply is there.