The “porno-king”

…When they weren’t making fun of me for crying, other kids would call me the “porno-king” and I became the go-too guy for anybody looking for a magazine…

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Aside from Kate, I had various other crushes at that same school, all of which would go to waste and were definitely left unreciprocated. As a boarder, I also couldn’t continue my fetish of dressing up as a girl: if I was ever found out, the bullying would have become ridiculous. So that had to wait for the occasional weekend and holidays.  To compensate, I resorted to porn, and there was a very healthy illicit porn-mag trade among the boarders at the school.

Only around 30 boys boarded at the school, though the day students (of which there were around 500 or so) were both girls and boys.  The porn mag trade was particularly strong with the sixth-form students, and I definitely became a fan. We would buy “used” mags from the older kids for a few pounds or so, and by the time I left the school when I was 16, I must have had at least 20 magazines accumulated—hidden from the priests who ran the school in my wardrobe, behind one of the drawers where (as far as I was aware at least), they would never look. Discovery could mean suspension or worse. I never got expelled so I guess they didn’t find them, though I definitely got a bit of a reputation…

As well as the photos, I just kept on reading the stories in them… girls with other girls especially, and threesomes as well… all capturing my imagination regarding the sexual possibilities of life; imagining being one of the girls, or being with one of them in the stories and photos…

Fantasies that were all well beyond my reach as an overly sensitive teenager with few real friends and no confidence; with absolutely no hope of a girlfriend at that time, let alone some horny creature looking for a good time. If there was anything I wasn’t, a picture of a good time was quite high up there.

New starts…

…One day when I was alone in my dormitory, in the spur of the moment I decided to write “i love Kate” on a paper aeroplane and fly it out the window… nobody would know it was me… Though of course, stupid me put my head out the window…

Being the “cry-baby” at school has a very negative affect on your street-cred with the other pupils. Definitely not very cool. So I never really had many friends—maybe three or four at each of the various schools I attended, two of whom I stay in touch with today. Getting a girlfriend was nigh on impossible, though I didn’t make life easy for myself at the same time.

For my second high school, from when I was 14 until 16, I went to a boarding school that was a couple of hours or so away from my new home town. The other schools in my town were not particularly appetising options, and also I really did want a completely new start. Of course, I went and cried on my first day, which made this “new start” pretty much redundant straight away. By the time I was in my final year though I was getting better, but as you can imagine, boarding school can be a pretty harsh environment for a sensitive kid. I remember one time, in the showers, a couple of the other kids took my clothes and towel and made fun of me for some time as I was crying away. That whole episode helped make me want to avoid showers for sometime so I wasn’t deemed the most hygienic of students–which meant more teasing. But I think overall the whole place did, eventually at least, help me grow up and grow that “thick skin” the primary school teachers had talked about.

I  remember having a crush on a few girls at the school. The first of whom… Kate… One day when I was alone in my dormitory, in the spur of the moment I decided to write “I love Kate” on a paper aeroplane and fly it out the window (the dorm was on the fourth floor)… nobody would know it was me… Though of course, stupid me put my head out the window to see where it landed and a guy who picked it up was swift to spot me and make the conclusion. Talk about making life hard for yourself, and I guess I kind of warranted the inevitable backlash and teasing from that. I never did get a girlfriend, nor kissed a girl, while I was there.