Anxious days…

That night though as we were in bed together, I asked her about how serious we are… such a stupid question. The girlfriend question….

It has been a tough couple of weeks. Am travelling now and will be away from Brazil for three weeks over Christmas. I wish I could say that it is letting me relax a little, but my head doesn’t let me do that too much.

I started seeing a girl about three months or so ago. We hit it off straight away, and I have to say that I am crazy about her. First girl since my ex-wife that I have actually really liked. So much so, I stopped sleeping around with others–not because we’re “girlfriend and boyfriend”, whatever that means anyway–far from it. Rather because I just don’t want to sleep with others. I would much rather just be with her.

At the same time it’s strange. She’s very busy at work, and doesn’t reply to my messages so frequently; maybe once or twice a day. Sent her a message last night (Sunday) which she heard last night but didn’t reply to, and it’s morning now. I don’t bombard her with messages, and certainly don’t ask why she hasn’t replied–there could be any number of reasons. But my head often starts wondering down that track of asking itself why isn’t she replying? Did I say something? Does she like me as much as I like her? Wouldn’t it be nice if she actually replied a little sooner?

A week and a half ago, she had an event outside of the city for the weekend and went a good couple of days with no messages… I got myself pretty worked up, with my head going round in circles, imagining the worst about what might be happening at that event. It was difficult to stop myself crying sometimes as dark thoughts of general hopelessness entered into my head.

But when she got back, we saw each other again at the office’s party, the night before I travelled. Which was great…

That night though as we were in bed together, I asked her about how serious we are… such a stupid question. The girlfriend question. She got upset, thinking that I wanted every moment with her (she got out of a very long term relationship a bit ago)… which is again, far from the case. She said that she didn’t think she was good for me. Which hurt as I love every minute with her. For me, I want her as my “girlfriend”, but want her to have her space, and me to have my own; for her to go out with her friends and vice-versa; see each other on weekends if possible. For me it just means neither of us cheating on the other, and a bit of commitment. When I said that, she seemed to be better, which was nice, though it left a bit of a bad taste in my mouth as the last thing I wanted on our last night before I travelled was for her to get upset.

So now I am here; away from her; wishing I could be with her. Waiting for a reply and trying not to keep looking at my phone to see if that reply is there.