I’m Ben. I live in a city in Brazil and am in my mid-thirties. I divorced (well, separated, to be precise) almost a year ago. It was the culmination of a marriage that, like many I guess, started off with plenty of passion and love but, as the years went by and the last two years in particular, transformed into the routine. With sex about once every month at best, and neither of us with the courage to talk about it, I ended up cheating on her with a girl in another town—an affair that lasted a good three months or so before my then-wife found out, and which continued another couple of months before it came to its end.
Even at that time, the period has been marked by transformation. Curiosity and expanding on my own sexual boundaries. Depression, yes; highs and lows for sure; dating with apps in a major city; paranoias and insecurities and a struggle between a self that has two sides—one, hopelessly romantic and dreamy, looking to find a girl to fall in love with; and the other: lusty and looking for adventure, enjoying sleeping with different women and wanting new experiences and fulfil fantasies. Two sides that find it very hard to mutually accept each other: If the romantic side is “winning”, the adventurous side feels discontent, thinking that missing out on so many things. If the adventurous side starts to get the upper hand, the romantic side starts feeling lonely, struggling to find some sort of meaning it all.
So I decided to write this, not as anybody pretending to be an expert in relationships, nor as anybody who is proud about their way of life (au contrair, I often despise everything about me)… but I guess as someone, like many others, who is messing and muddling their way through life; struggling to enjoy the experiences and what there is on offer and not fuck everything up at the same time. Who knows if this might even help a little others who are trying to come to terms to themselves, their own past, their own wants and desires.
The experiences I have had, and continue to have, are all very new and, while occasionally very superficial, they can be and have been exciting. At the same time, they have often left me just curling up in a ball, just wanting to disappear by whatever means necessary. Swing clubs, prostitutes, porn and sexting; obsessive flings and feeling the danger of getting obsessive; being in the position of liking someone more than they liked me and dealing with those horrible insecurities when she doesn’t text back… and then the opposite….
At the same, a childhood… a past that continues to affect me; a walking contradiction… looking to escape loneliness but then wanting to be alone… Dealing with and enjoying the thrill of being liked by someone or having that amazing first date… but then the crashing disappointment when it all becomes too apparent that it’s not going to work out. I think that some of this will ring with a few people and there and it will be interesting to know more about the experiences of others and how others have dealt with their problems… Who knows if this whole thing will even help me get a grip of myself. I guess we shall see.
Please bear with me though – this blog is just starting, though I have been thinking about this for a while now and have plenty to write about, so I hope you can follow as the story develops.