Wake up…

Went to an Arcade Fire show last night – I am a very big fan and was more than happy when I found out that they were coming to Sao Paulo; got my ticket on the first day they opened up to buy a couple of months or so ago. I find myself welling up at some of their songs, particularly Wake Up, one of my favorite songs by them…

It’s just the first few lyrics that really does it with me…

Somethin’ filled up

My heart with nothin’,

Someone told me not to cry.

Now that I’m older,

My heart’s colder,

And I can see that it’s a lie.

Children wake up,

Hold your mistake up,

Before they turn the summer into dust.

If the children don’t grow up,

Our bodies get bigger but our hearts get torn up.

We’re just a million little god’s causin’ rain storms turnin’ every good thing to rust.

I guess we’ll just have to adjust….

I just remember the days of school, crying all the time, being made fun of for this… closing myself off from people and becoming more and more depressed. Seeing what am like now where am torn between liking people and wanting relationships, or just sex:

Feeling my insecurities when I do actually really like someone; trying to hide my fears and pretend that everything is okay; where I fear that I like them more than they like me, but I don’t want to feel or perceive this… but at the same time with that fear of commitment, and a cold outlook on life that so often resorts to sex with strangers with no emotion, and me ending up hurting others, including my ex-wife, in the process. Hating myself, yet finding it hard to change.