…London, at night, and at Christmas…. is just a great city to wonder through and can distract even the most focused mind…
Been able to control thoughts a little better today. Going to watch the new Star Wars film in the cinema helped, as did Christmas shopping (though I didn’t really get or do much, aside from stare wistfully the latest gadgets that I would like to have for myself rather than give to anyone!) and also helping my sister who has been incapacitated (temporarily at least, so I hope) by back problems. So I didn’t really have much time to dwell on any anxious thoughts.
I also chatted with my sister about everything that am feeling, which was nice and helped. I alluded to it yesterday, though it’s like having two sides that are in conflict with each other: the rational side that knows there’s always good reasons, then the anxious side that is so scared about losing something that I really don’t want to lose, and is always looking to the negative side of anything that happens. It’s always just a battle trying to control and ignore that side, and not let it reduce me to tears again.
In that regard the Christmas “shopping” probably helped the most – London, at night, and at Christmas…. is just a great city to wonder through and can allow even the most focused mind to escape from that vicious circle. Oxford Street, Covent Garden… Piccadilly Circus and the walk over the river to the London Eye and the South Bank… to name but a few of the standard tourist places… just humming with life and distraction. It all meant that while I did occasionally think of her, I was soon able to switch my mind onto something else. Just have to be able to keep this up on a daily basis when I don’t have the luck of being here and where things are more mundane.
…And it worked. It was good being able to breathe, relax, and not get short of breath or feel my mind starting to go round in circles again…
It was a nice day today. I was able to completely distract my mind from the anxieties of the past few weeks and just enjoy being back in London. It took my mobile phone having no signal, and me deciding to just switch it to flight mode anyway, to help set me on my way with this. Plus also an exhibition at a museum that I hadn’t been to in years meant that my mind was occupied with other things…
While the thoughts of the preceding days did occasionally come into my mind, I found myself able to knock them aside and stop them from spiralling. Just concentrate on the exhibition and tell myself that there was nothing I could do, so no need to think about things. And it worked. It was good being able to breathe, relax, and not get short of breath or feel my mind starting to go round in circles again.
When I left the museum and switched my phone back into normal mode at around 2pm, the girl I’ve been seeing had indeed left a couple of WhatsApp messages. It was nice to hear her voice again and it certainly helped as the day progressed. Otherwise I could(/would) have just kept thinking about her and why she might not have replied to me the entire time; always wanting to look at the phone in case she sent a message. (Like I am starting to do as I type as I just sent a message that hasn’t been received yet… of course, plenty of rational and good reasons that could explain it, but so difficult to keep my head rational and not thinking negatively.) Thankfully this wasn’t the case during the day and I was actually able to enjoy myself for once.
With that, I was able to just walk along the River Thames, from Greenwich to London Bridge; one of my favourite walks in any city. Just enjoying a cool, fresh and calm winter’s afternoon and the sights of the riverside walkway. It was nice as well–none of those thoughts of disappearing came into my head as I looked into the water.