Emergency treatment

…She called the NHS crisis team for advice, got me to sleep, and in the morning she got me to the Accident & Emergency department of a nearby hospital…

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Happy New Year everyone… hope that you all enjoyed the new year festivities.

I wish I could say I did, but the anxiety just took over me. The trigger was the relationship issue – waiting for a new years’ message from the girl I like back in Brazil, which only came 2pm on New Year’s Day. The anxiety grew from the thought of “it would be nice if she showed she was thinking about me”… though there are plenty of other reasons for it, this is what I focused on. And it got worse; I just couldn’t stop thinking about it; checking my phone; sobbing; just wanting to disappear. I tried to distract myself; went for a walk… but then as I was walking I looked at those busses passing by and wondered what it would be like to just go in front of them… Life is short anyway.

My sister was great. She called the NHS crisis team for advice, got me to sleep, and in the morning she got me to the Accident & Emergency department of a nearby hospital. She came with me and did a lot of the talking which was great–when I tried to give my mobile number, even here I just started crying again. Fortunately I was seen by somebody reasonably quickly, and I told everything; between sobs. They gave me three days of diazepam, which is definitely helping: The circular thoughts; the physical feeling of just being completely empty; the loss of appetite; the mind going into that vicious circle of over-thinking, over-analyzing and self-loathing… all of that has calmed down and kind of paused for the moment, and am even able to relax a little now, which is a first for a while.

Diazepam is a short-term solution though and while good for anxiety, is apparently not great for depression. Also it’s apparently addictive, which is why they did not give me many, so I need to see my psychiatrist in Brazil to discuss the next steps. We shall see.

Interested in hearing your experiences with anxiety attacks and these medications.

Great expectations

…Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her…

First of all, Merry Christmas! Hope everyone out there are able to enjoy themselves, your friends, family, and this time of year, and are able to put any depressive or anxious thoughts behind them; I know it can be difficult. Am staying with family in the UK – the first time in years because of my life in Brazil. It is nice to be with them, though it is hard to stop thinking about the girl I have been seeing back home.

In Brazil they celebrate Christmas more on Christmas Eve rather than Christmas Day itself. I sent over a WhatsApp voice message just to wish her all the best for the day, specifically within the context of our relationship and things personal to us. Later in the evening I receive a couple of text messages from her which look almost standard copy and paste; what you would send to somebody you might like but with hardly any real intimacy—in spite of us being pretty intimate when we’re together and having been seeing each other for a good three-four months.

Again, it’s that same old story of me reading them and then starting to over-think everything. Maybe my expectations for a reply were too high. Maybe it is just a case of me liking her more than she likes me; which is what my mind is convinced about at the moment, and that really cuts me. Though of course there could be plenty of other reasons – she said the other day that she is travelling to be with family at a place in the country, and she is very family-orientated. Maybe she’s just been really busy with all the family parties and didn’t have time to write/say much. So many possibilities and no way of knowing what’s right or not.

Maybe I just shouldn’t be in a relationship. When we are together, it is great, but away from each other like this has such a negative effect on me. The time over here means that we will not have seen each other for at least three weeks, maybe four, by the time we meet again. One and a half weeks have gone by since we were last together, and the days have gone by very slowly. And it’s hard. Especially this time of year.