Virginity lost…

…Drunk, depressive, anxious about whether or not girls would like me… I guess I wasn’t the best company for my sisters but they put up with me….

Advertisements
image
The Carleton… source of many a drunken night out…

With the new high school, I started going to nightclubs with my sisters and getting hideously drunk at them, and crying at the end when nobody made out with me before it closed. The one time I did make out with someone at a club when I was with them and I was so drunk I almost fell over with the girl in my arms and my tongue down her throat. She went on her own way after that, leaving me to stumble back to my table.

Drunk, depressive, anxious about whether or not girls would like me… I guess I wasn’t the best company for my sisters but they put up with me. I remember one time at a club with one sister and I was feeling a bit down and to cheer up she and her friends started singing “Cheer up sleepy Jean”, just replacing Jean with my name… That was at a New Years’ Eve party at The Carlton Nightclub in Morecambe… I remember the place but I can’t remember leaving; apparently I was pretty bad and throwing up everywhere, crying again.

But I digress… Neither was I great company when I wasn’t with my sisters. Once at a pub where almost everybody in the year went along for a night out, I decided to drink a small bottle of vodka beforehand to get in the mood, and continue drinking shots at the bar. I woke up the afternoon on the day after, hungover of course, with very little memory. Apparently my dad had to collect me from the hospital at 3am as I had collapsed and was found rolling on the grass drifting in and out of consciousness, moaning “take me to a fucking hospital”

Things started to pick up when I was 17 and a friend introduced me to a single girl who he knew: Kate. We got on well enough. It is so long ago now that it is difficult to remember so much, though we did end up making out and on the second date I lost my virginity to her. It wasn’t great. She stayed over at my place and slept in the loft (we had a loft conversion) and I was in a bedroom on the floor below. At 1am I snuck upstairs to be with her, trying to be quiet so as not to wake my parents (who were in the room directly beneath the loft area). The floor of her room did creak so when we were doing it, we had to be as quiet as possible. Plus there wasn’t so much headroom so there wasn’t really room to be very adventurous. All very awkward and not really very pleasant or fun, but still… first times rarely are really, no? The girl called me a couple of days later saying that she didn’t want a relationship – she was “hung up about her ex”, so I guess she didn’t really enjoy it either.

What this is all about and why…

…Even at that time, the period has been marked by transformation. Curiosity and expanding on my own sexual boundaries. Depression, yes; highs and lows for sure; dating with apps in a major city; paranoias and insecurities and a struggle between a self that has two sides…

I’m Ben. I live in a city in Brazil and am in my mid-thirties. I divorced (well, separated, to be precise) almost a year ago. It was the culmination of a marriage that, like many I guess, started off with plenty of passion and love but, as the years went by and the last two years in particular, transformed into the routine. With sex about once every month at best, and neither of us with the courage to talk about it, I ended up cheating on her with a girl in another town—an affair that lasted a good three months or so before my then-wife found out, and which continued another couple of months before it came to its end.

Even at that time, the period has been marked by transformation. Curiosity and expanding on my own sexual boundaries. Depression, yes; highs and lows for sure; dating with apps in a major city; paranoias and insecurities and a struggle between a self that has two sides—one, hopelessly romantic and dreamy, looking to find a girl to fall in love with; and the other: lusty and looking for adventure, enjoying sleeping with different women and wanting new experiences and fulfil fantasies. Two sides that find it very hard to mutually accept each other: If the romantic side is “winning”, the adventurous side feels discontent, thinking that missing out on so many things. If the adventurous side starts to get the upper hand, the romantic side starts feeling lonely, struggling to find some sort of meaning it all.

So I decided to write this, not as anybody pretending to be an expert in relationships, nor as anybody who is proud about their way of life (au contrair, I often despise everything about me)… but I guess as someone, like many others, who is messing and muddling their way through life; struggling to enjoy the experiences and what there is on offer and not fuck everything up at the same time. Who knows if this might even help a little others who are trying to come to terms to themselves, their own past, their own wants and desires.

The experiences I have had, and continue to have, are all very new and, while occasionally very superficial, they can be and have been exciting. At the same time, they have often left me just curling up in a ball, just wanting to disappear by whatever means necessary. Swing clubs, prostitutes, porn and sexting; obsessive flings and feeling the danger of getting obsessive; being in the position of liking someone more than they liked me and dealing with those horrible insecurities when she doesn’t text back… and then the opposite….

At the same, a childhood… a past that continues to affect me; a walking contradiction… looking to escape loneliness but then wanting to be alone… Dealing with and enjoying the thrill of being liked by someone or having that amazing first date… but then the crashing disappointment when it all becomes too apparent that it’s not going to work out. I think that some of this will ring with a few people and there and it will be interesting to know more about the experiences of others and how others have dealt with their problems… Who knows if this whole thing will even help me get a grip of myself. I guess we shall see.

Please bear with me though – this blog is just starting, though I have been thinking about this for a while now and have plenty to write about, so I hope you can follow as the story develops.